Tag Archive | Friday funnies

END IS NEAR (Friday funnies)

Hello

After a long silence I am back on my blog. Hope you all had a great year so far.  Below is a joke arrived in my in box. Thought I will share with you . Have a great weekend.

Saba

12.04.2018

 

END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says,


“THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW,
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.”

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

“Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don’t need your lectures.”

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.”


“Yaa,” Sean agrees, then adds, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say “BRIDGE CLOSED”?

 

 

(creator unknown)

Wedding Vows (Friday Funnies)

During the wedding rehearsal, the Groom-to-be took the Minister to a side and asked:

“I will pay you $100 if you change my wedding vows. When you reach the section where I promise to love honour and obey and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever’, I want you to omit that bit out.”  The Minister duly accepted the 100 quids.

At the wedding ceremony itself, the Minister got to the groom’s vows and said:

“Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every weekend, and swear that you will never look at another woman?”

The groom was horrified. “I thought we had a deal” he hissed.

“Yes” Whispered the Minister, pressing the 100 dollar bill into the groom’s hand.

“But the bride gave me a better offer.”

(From the “The mammoth Book of Jokes”)

True blue Aussie! (Friday Funnies)

A Chinese citizen decides to migrate to Australia at the age of 50.

He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa in the region of Queensland.

A few days after moving in, a friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and greet the new neighbour.

On his way up the drive-way he saw the oriental man running around in his front yard chasing a few hens.

Not wanting to interrupt the Chinese customs, he decided to put the welcome on hold for another day.

Next day the neighbour decided to visit again and as he was about to ring the door bell he saw the newcomer urinate into a glass and then drinking it.

The astonished Aussie not wanting to disturb yet another Chinese custom decided to postpone his welcome for another day.

A week later the neighbour decides to try his luck again.

But as he was walking up the driveway he saw his new neighbour leading a bull down the drive way, pauses and then put an ear next to the bull’s bum.

The Aussie who couldn’t handle this goes up to the Chinese and queried,

“Common mate, what the hell is it with your oriental customs?

One day you are running around the yard after chooks, next day you are pissing in a glass and now you had your head close to that bull’s arse.

The chinese man was taken back and said

“Sorry sir! These are no Chinese customs and I am learning the new Australian customs!”

“What do you mean mate?” said the Aussie “Those are not Australian customs”

“Yes they are!”

The travel agent man said to become a true blue Aussie , I must learn to chase chicks drink piss and listen to bull shit”

(source arrived in a mail)

Australia’s Ashes Innings at Trent Bridge (Friday Funnies)

Election Analyst Antony Green from ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) is a great number cruncher during the Australian state and Federal elections. I have watched him over the years on the TV screen during election nights with his predictions and prophecies calling the elections. I  also  recollect  that the young Green having a great crown of hair to slowly loosing it over the years.

This time Green has analysed a different set of numbers with the cricket score of Ashes 2015. As cricket lovers know that the Ashes series between Australia and the mother island England is a highly fought battle.

2015 series is not looking good for the Aussies at the old enemies’ turf.  The first day of the fourth test match started at Trent Bridge yesterday the 6th of August.   Day one of the five day match turned out to be disastrous for the Aussies. In their first innings Aussies were all out for embarrassing 60 runs in 18.3 overs in ninety four minutes.

Analyst Green has brilliantly converted the first innings timeline of disaster to a single tweet.(See below ).

Aussies timeline score for the disastrous first innings.

Aussies timeline score for the disastrous first innings.

And a photo of the day goes to ……

photo of the day

Photo of the day from Cricketopia.com

New Google Doodle! (Friday Funnies)

Some do have the witticism!!!

New Google -Doodle on Friday funnies (photo credit : Unknown Joker)

New Google -Doodle (photo credit : Unknown Joker)

(photo credit : unknown joker)

Friday Funnies – Church Organist

Miss Muriel, the church organist, was in her eighties and was a spinster all her life.

She was admired for her sweetness  and  kindness to all.

One afternoon the young pastor came to call on her. She invited him into her quaint sitting room to have a seat while she prepared tea. 

As he sat facing her old musical instrument, an organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.  When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water  and  its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Muriel”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful ?”

I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Would you believe, I haven’t had the flu all winter “

(read on an e- mail)

Being a pauper (Friday Funnies)

“Today I had my first family planning lesson at school”

announced seven year old Sarah.

Her mother, very curious asked ” oh..How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame” complained Sarah.

“Peter from next door says  the stork brings babies.”

photo credit: clip art.com

Photo credit: clip art.com

“Mary  my friend said that you can buy babies at the Orphanage”

“John in my class says that you can buy babies at the hospital”

“Mathew,  a doctor’s son said that his father says that you can make babies in a test-tube”

Her mother answered laughingly ” But that’s no reason to be ashamed”.

“No…but I cannot tell them that we were so poor that you and dad has to make me yourselves!”

(modified from an e-mail joke)

World-Wide Survey of the United Nations (Friday Funnies XXXI)

A world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the United Nations.

The only question asked was: 
   
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”  

UN declared that the survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain, citizens hung up the receiver as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

She had the guts! (Friday Funnies)

An airline flight was cancelled at a busy airport and a single ticketing agent was re-booking a long queue of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The  demanding passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention, please?” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

 

(circulated via e- mail)

Didn’t I tell you? (late Friday Funnies)

This is a story of a happily married couple for many years.

The only problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of ritual flatulence.

Every morning when he awoke, the “noisy whirlwind of his bowels” wake his wife and the stench would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She asked him to see a doctor: she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blare them out.

Then one Christmas morning, as the wife was preparing the turkey and the husband was upstairs sound asleep.

she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl of internal parts of the turkey and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep.

She gently pulled the bed covers back and quietly pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

An hour later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked about the commotion upstairs.

He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

What do you mean? She asked.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up blazing my guts out and today it finally happened, but by the grace of God, and some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in………

 

(An  e-mail joke – Laughter is the best medicine)