Tag Archive | comedy

Oh English!

Wedding Vows (Friday Funnies)

During the wedding rehearsal, the Groom-to-be took the Minister to a side and asked:

“I will pay you $100 if you change my wedding vows. When you reach the section where I promise to love honour and obey and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever’, I want you to omit that bit out.”  The Minister duly accepted the 100 quids.

At the wedding ceremony itself, the Minister got to the groom’s vows and said:

“Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every weekend, and swear that you will never look at another woman?”

The groom was horrified. “I thought we had a deal” he hissed.

“Yes” Whispered the Minister, pressing the 100 dollar bill into the groom’s hand.

“But the bride gave me a better offer.”

(From the “The mammoth Book of Jokes”)

True blue Aussie! (Friday Funnies)

A Chinese citizen decides to migrate to Australia at the age of 50.

He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa in the region of Queensland.

A few days after moving in, a friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and greet the new neighbour.

On his way up the drive-way he saw the oriental man running around in his front yard chasing a few hens.

Not wanting to interrupt the Chinese customs, he decided to put the welcome on hold for another day.

Next day the neighbour decided to visit again and as he was about to ring the door bell he saw the newcomer urinate into a glass and then drinking it.

The astonished Aussie not wanting to disturb yet another Chinese custom decided to postpone his welcome for another day.

A week later the neighbour decides to try his luck again.

But as he was walking up the driveway he saw his new neighbour leading a bull down the drive way, pauses and then put an ear next to the bull’s bum.

The Aussie who couldn’t handle this goes up to the Chinese and queried,

“Common mate, what the hell is it with your oriental customs?

One day you are running around the yard after chooks, next day you are pissing in a glass and now you had your head close to that bull’s arse.

The chinese man was taken back and said

“Sorry sir! These are no Chinese customs and I am learning the new Australian customs!”

“What do you mean mate?” said the Aussie “Those are not Australian customs”

“Yes they are!”

The travel agent man said to become a true blue Aussie , I must learn to chase chicks drink piss and listen to bull shit”

(source arrived in a mail)

Australia’s Ashes Innings at Trent Bridge (Friday Funnies)

Election Analyst Antony Green from ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) is a great number cruncher during the Australian state and Federal elections. I have watched him over the years on the TV screen during election nights with his predictions and prophecies calling the elections. I  also  recollect  that the young Green having a great crown of hair to slowly loosing it over the years.

This time Green has analysed a different set of numbers with the cricket score of Ashes 2015. As cricket lovers know that the Ashes series between Australia and the mother island England is a highly fought battle.

2015 series is not looking good for the Aussies at the old enemies’ turf.  The first day of the fourth test match started at Trent Bridge yesterday the 6th of August.   Day one of the five day match turned out to be disastrous for the Aussies. In their first innings Aussies were all out for embarrassing 60 runs in 18.3 overs in ninety four minutes.

Analyst Green has brilliantly converted the first innings timeline of disaster to a single tweet.(See below ).

Aussies timeline score for the disastrous first innings.

Aussies timeline score for the disastrous first innings.

And a photo of the day goes to ……

photo of the day

Photo of the day from Cricketopia.com

Pass the salt!

Technology has given us many labour saving, cost cutting devices, but it  has also interfered with our communication with each other.

Here is a new form of effective communication explained by a parent.

An economic thinking of the Greek bail-out

A slow day in a little Greek Village .

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this rainy day a rich German tourist arrived at  the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner that he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The hotel owner gave him  the room key, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that  is how the bailout package works.

(credit to the unknown thinker – Brilliant! )

Being a pauper (Friday Funnies)

“Today I had my first family planning lesson at school”

announced seven year old Sarah.

Her mother, very curious asked ” oh..How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame” complained Sarah.

“Peter from next door says  the stork brings babies.”

photo credit: clip art.com

Photo credit: clip art.com

“Mary  my friend said that you can buy babies at the Orphanage”

“John in my class says that you can buy babies at the hospital”

“Mathew,  a doctor’s son said that his father says that you can make babies in a test-tube”

Her mother answered laughingly ” But that’s no reason to be ashamed”.

“No…but I cannot tell them that we were so poor that you and dad has to make me yourselves!”

(modified from an e-mail joke)

Friday Funnies (II) – Phil’s scrotum (a clean story)

Sometimes the best intended stories do not get the praise or credit for various reasons. A painful story told by a loving wife falls into that category.

Phil’s scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express their praise
for answered prayers.

Mrs. Smith stood and walked to the podium.

“I have a praise” she said.

“Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle  accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and his every move caused him terrible pain.”

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. Surgeons were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

Charlie Chaplin (1889 – 1977)

Today is Charlie Chaplin’s Birth Anniversary. He was born  as Charles Spencer Chaplin on the 16th of April  1889  in the United Kingdom.  In memory of the great actor of the “silent era“, below are few tributes posted on you-tube by his fans.

All the scenes are compiled from his films

Tribute 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MNzVEy_mnE

Tribute 2

www.youtube.com/watch?v=75RUG2d6yYo