Wedding Vows (Friday Funnies)

During the wedding rehearsal, the Groom-to-be took the Minister to a side and asked:

“I will pay you $100 if you change my wedding vows. When you reach the section where I promise to love honour and obey and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever’, I want you to omit that bit out.”  The Minister duly accepted the 100 quids.

At the wedding ceremony itself, the Minister got to the groom’s vows and said:

“Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every weekend, and swear that you will never look at another woman?”

The groom was horrified. “I thought we had a deal” he hissed.

“Yes” Whispered the Minister, pressing the 100 dollar bill into the groom’s hand.

“But the bride gave me a better offer.”

(From the “The mammoth Book of Jokes”)

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Who? (Friday Funnies)

St. Peter was on extended leave so a minor saint was left in charge of the Pearly gates.

The Saint was  ordered to get proof of identity before letting anyone into heaven.

First up was Beethoven.

“I need proof of identity” said the saint.

So Beethoven played a few bars of his Fifth Symphony and he was admitted.

Next up was Albert Einstein.

“I need proof of identity” said the saint.

So  Einstein explained the  theory of relativity and he was admitted.

Next up was George Bush

“I need proof of identity” said the saint.

” But I am George Bush, former President of the United States of America.”

“Sorry, everyone needs proof. Even Beethoven and Einstein needed proof.”

“Who?”

“OK,  you can go through”

 

(Modified from  “The Mammoth Book of Jokes )

The Squirrels. (Friday Funnies)

(I suppose we are closer to Friday than Monday!)

 

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church,

The Methodist Church,

The Catholic Church

and The Jewish Synagogue.

 

Each church and house of prayer was overrun with pesky squirrels.

 

The Presbyterians called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

 

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery which is a tank for administering baptism by immersion.

The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.

The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many the next week.

 

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation.

So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.

Three days later…,  the squirrels were back.

 

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.

They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on their weddings, children’s baptism, Christmas and Easter.

 

 

The Jewish Synagogue reverted back to old tradition.

They caught one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and

…..they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

(Arrived in my in- box.  Spare a thought for the original story teller)

From Church to home…(Friday Funnies )

At Sunday School they were teaching how God 

Created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
How Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
Down as though he were ill,

And she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little
Johnny responded,

‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have
A wife.’

DADS! (Friday Funnies XIX)

Three boys are in the school playground  bragging about  their fathers.
The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, They give him 50 bucks.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, He calls it a song, they give him 100 bucks.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

MY DAD (Friday Funnies #V)

Three boys are in the school play-ground bragging about  their fathers.
The first boy says,

“My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
They give him $50.”

The second boy says,

“That’s nothing. My Dad  scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says,

“I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

Please do not stop laughing because we grow old,

We grow old because you stop laughing!

Pass jokes along to people who need a laugh.

Governments  haven’t found a way to tax us for a Laugh… Not yet.