Miss Muriel, the church organist, was in her eighties and was a spinster all her life.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the young pastor came to call on her. She invited him into her quaint sitting room to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old musical instrument, an organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Muriel”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful ?”
I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Would you believe, I haven’t had the flu all winter “
(read on an e- mail)
Archives
Vending machine and Coke (Friday Funnies XXI)
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court ; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
“Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”
(an e-mail joke)
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!
Be Aware Weight Watchers !
What a mistake (cartoon credits: Reynolds & Face book)
AMA response to the Australian Budget ( Humour at the expense of the Treasurer)
The Australian Medical Association (AMA) has weighed in on Treasure Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services
The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through them.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn’t swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter…”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the arse holes in parliament.
– Author Unknown-
Here is to our future : The wheels of Life (Friday Funnies XVI)
One day I will be in one of these scooters!
With that in mind, I bought a scooter for my future:
which was easy on gas,
could zip me around town
and seems to meet my EVERY need.
Remember: Senior Citizens Are Valuable!
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations.
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and,
We are loaded with natural gas!
Origin : Unknown
Life should have more to it than working from the cradle to the grave!!
An e-mail carried some bitter truths closer to our hearts and homes. Thought I would share the mail with you. It is claimed to be tranlated from a chinese version.
Here it is my friends….
WHERE YOUR LIFE STAND HERE ON EARTH
None of us have many years to live, and we can’t take along anything when we go, so we don’t have to be too thrifty…
Spend the money that should be spent,
enjoy what should be enjoyed,
donate what you are able to donate,
but don’t leave all to your children or grandchildren,
for you don’t want them to become parasites
who are waiting for the day you will die!!
Don’t worry about what will happen after we are gone,
because when we return to dust,
we will feel nothing about praises or criticisms.
The time to enjoy the worldly life
and your hard earned wealth will be over!
Don’t worry too much about your children,
for children will have their own destiny
and should find their own way.
Don’t be your children’s slave!
Care for them, love them, give them gifts
but also enjoy your money while you can.
Life should have more to it
than working from the cradle to the grave!!
Don’t expect too much from your children.
Caring children, though caring,
would be too busy with their jobs and commitments
to render much help.
Uncaring children may fight over your assets
even when you are still alive,
and wish for your early demise
so they can inherit your properties and wealth.
Your children take you for granted
that they are rightful heirs to your wealth;
but that you have no claims to their money.
Don’t trade in your health for wealth,
by working yourself to an early grave anymore,.
Because your money
may not be able to buy your health.
How much is enough?
( hundred thousand, million, ten million )?
Out of thousand hectares of good farm land,
you can consume only three quarts (of rice) daily;
out of a thousand mansions,
you only need eight square meters of space to rest at night.
So, as long as you have enough food
and enough money to spend,
that is good enough.
You should live happily.
Every family has its own problems.
Just do not compare with others
for fame and social status
and see whose children are doing better,
but challenge others for happiness,
health, enjoyment, quality of life and longevity…
Don’t worry about things that you cannot change
because it doesn’t help and it may spoil your health.
You have to create your own well-being
and find your own place of happiness.
As long as you are in good mood and good health,
think about happy things, do happy things daily
and have fun in doing,
then you will pass your time happily every day.
One day without happiness, you will lose one day.
One day with happiness, then you gain one day.
In good spirit, sickness will cure;
In a happy spirit, sickness will cure faster;
In high and happy spirits; sickness will never come.
Above all,
learn to cherish the goodness around friends and families
They all make you feel young and “wanted”…
without them you are surely to feel lost!!
Wishing you all the best for the years to come.
– Anon-
Remember the Ross Sisters?
I wasn’t born then to remember the Ross sisters. The clip below was taken in 1944 for the movie ” Broadway Rhythm”. They were acrobatics and contortionists were also able to sing. Ross sisters from Texas were popular in the nineteen forties. They definitely had gifts to show the public not like the current so-called celebrities who are raking money for not having anything to rave about.
If they would have lived in this century Ross sisters would have been household names.
World Toilet day – 19th of November 2013
This year November 19th has been recognised as the First World Toilet day by the United Nations.
WaterAid is an international non-governmental organisation who has a vision to provide safe water and sanitation to every citizen of the world. World Aid also build thousands of toilets globally each year with the help of local people and partners and demand governments to target to spend more towards sanitation.
Next time when you contemplate on the throne of porcelain, spare a thought for the 2.5 billion people of the world who don’t have the luxury of having a toilet!
Did you know the loo facts ?
– 2.5 billion people (one in three of the world’s population) don’t have a safe, clean and private toilet.
– Around 700,000 children die every year from diarrhoea caused by unsafe water and poor sanitation (2,000 children a day).
– Toilets have added 20 years to the human life expectancy over the past two centuries.
– More people in the world have a mobile phone than a toilet.
Spare a thought for the guy sitting in the corner. What would you do without him?
WaterAid Australia has released a video marking the day with the sanitary song “ Thank you Toilet”
Credits to : WaterAid Australia
Friday Funnies (II) – Phil’s scrotum (a clean story)
Sometimes the best intended stories do not get the praise or credit for various reasons. A painful story told by a loving wife falls into that category.
Phil’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express their praise
for answered prayers.
Mrs. Smith stood and walked to the podium.
“I have a praise” she said.
“Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and his every move caused him terrible pain.”
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. Surgeons were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
Archaeology of the MILK revolution
How many of us have lactose intolerance? Below is an article published in Nature explaining the single mutation of gene and the diaspora of the milk nation.
Archaeology: The milk revolution
When a single genetic mutation first let ancient Europeans drink milk, it set the stage for a continental upheaval.
by Andrew Curry
Click Archaeology of the MILK revolution for the full text
