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Ceiling fans ( A Tuesday funny)

I just couldn’t resist sharing this  joke during  US polling day :

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man.

“And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life.”

“Where’s Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton’s clocks?” asked the man.

St. Peter replied, “We’re using them as ceiling fans.”

branco-trump-and-hillary

Wedding Vows (Friday Funnies)

During the wedding rehearsal, the Groom-to-be took the Minister to a side and asked:

“I will pay you $100 if you change my wedding vows. When you reach the section where I promise to love honour and obey and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever’, I want you to omit that bit out.”  The Minister duly accepted the 100 quids.

At the wedding ceremony itself, the Minister got to the groom’s vows and said:

“Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every weekend, and swear that you will never look at another woman?”

The groom was horrified. “I thought we had a deal” he hissed.

“Yes” Whispered the Minister, pressing the 100 dollar bill into the groom’s hand.

“But the bride gave me a better offer.”

(From the “The mammoth Book of Jokes”)

Friday Funnies – Church Organist

Miss Muriel, the church organist, was in her eighties and was a spinster all her life.

She was admired for her sweetness  and  kindness to all.

One afternoon the young pastor came to call on her. She invited him into her quaint sitting room to have a seat while she prepared tea. 

As he sat facing her old musical instrument, an organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.  When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water  and  its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Muriel”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful ?”

I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Would you believe, I haven’t had the flu all winter “

(read on an e- mail)

Being a pauper (Friday Funnies)

“Today I had my first family planning lesson at school”

announced seven year old Sarah.

Her mother, very curious asked ” oh..How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame” complained Sarah.

“Peter from next door says  the stork brings babies.”

photo credit: clip art.com

Photo credit: clip art.com

“Mary  my friend said that you can buy babies at the Orphanage”

“John in my class says that you can buy babies at the hospital”

“Mathew,  a doctor’s son said that his father says that you can make babies in a test-tube”

Her mother answered laughingly ” But that’s no reason to be ashamed”.

“No…but I cannot tell them that we were so poor that you and dad has to make me yourselves!”

(modified from an e-mail joke)

World-Wide Survey of the United Nations (Friday Funnies XXXI)

A world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the United Nations.

The only question asked was: 
   
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”  

UN declared that the survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain, citizens hung up the receiver as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

She had the guts! (Friday Funnies)

An airline flight was cancelled at a busy airport and a single ticketing agent was re-booking a long queue of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The  demanding passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention, please?” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

 

(circulated via e- mail)

Didn’t I tell you? (late Friday Funnies)

This is a story of a happily married couple for many years.

The only problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of ritual flatulence.

Every morning when he awoke, the “noisy whirlwind of his bowels” wake his wife and the stench would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She asked him to see a doctor: she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blare them out.

Then one Christmas morning, as the wife was preparing the turkey and the husband was upstairs sound asleep.

she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl of internal parts of the turkey and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep.

She gently pulled the bed covers back and quietly pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

An hour later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked about the commotion upstairs.

He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

What do you mean? She asked.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up blazing my guts out and today it finally happened, but by the grace of God, and some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in………

 

(An  e-mail joke – Laughter is the best medicine)